you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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