My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Bring me that man meat
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
