Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know her cup size but not her name....
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