So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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