I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
