I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
