My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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