I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
