Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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