my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
