On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just pee around me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
