defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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