just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
