sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
