I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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