Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
