I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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