Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
