The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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