I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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