babies were throwing up all over the place
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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