Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
