Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
