New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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