my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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