U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
