2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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