I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
