I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom