Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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