Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
People in love make me want to vomit
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
