a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
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The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
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Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
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