i don't plan on having that self control this summer
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
