Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
