Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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