got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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