he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
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some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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