I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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