I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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