sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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