If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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