You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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