Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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