ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
