Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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