i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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