I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
