I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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