I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
