he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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