Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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