Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They left me at home... I'm a liability
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
