Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
