This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
