hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
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